by Ron White and Henry VIII Announce ‘OFF WITH IT!’ Comedy Tour
Texas Comic and Tudor King Promise Audiences an Evening of Relationship Advice Nobody Should Ever Follow
NASHVILLE, Tenn. , Stand-up comedian Ron White announced Tuesday that he is teaming up with the recently reanimated Henry VIII for a 63-city comedy tour titled “OFF WITH IT!”, making it the first live entertainment event to require both a liquor license and a constitutional historian.
Promoters insist the show is “half stand-up comedy, half international incident.”
The unlikely partnership began after White reportedly watched Henry perform at a London comedy club where audiences laughed continuously despite the king’s repeated insistence that he was not joking.
“I thought he was the greatest deadpan comedian I’d ever seen,” White explained while polishing a glass of scotch. “Then somebody handed me a history book. Turns out… he’s just dead.”
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Henry’s Dating Record
Henry VIII didn’t have a dating history. He had a casualty report. Today he’d be banned from three dating apps before he finished uploading his profile picture.
- Royal Customer Service
Henry treated marriage like Amazon Prime. “Didn’t like this one. Return her. I’d like another queen by Tuesday.”
- The Tudors and HR
Henry VIII is the reason Human Resources exists. Somebody looked at England and said, “We’re gonna need a department between this guy and everybody else.”
- Modern Britain
Henry spent years fighting the Pope. Comes back to modern Britain and finds out you can get cancelled by a nineteen-year-old with Wi-Fi. Even he says, “That’s a bit much.”
- The Tower of London
Tour guides say, “This is where Henry executed his enemies.” Henry says, “Enemies? Half those people were family. Let’s keep the record accurate.”
- Netflix
Henry loves Netflix. Says, “Back in my day, if I wanted six seasons, I had to marry them.”
- The House of Lords
Henry gets appointed to the House of Lords and says, “Finally… a room where nobody has to win an election and everybody still thinks they’re important. I feel young again.”
- Royal Experts
Henry’s amazed there are people called “royal experts.” He says, “I was the king and I barely knew what was going on.”
- The NHS
Henry waits eight months for an appointment and whispers, “I used to remove heads faster than this. Progress is a complicated thing.”
- British Bureaucracy
Henry says, “I ruled England with absolute power. Modern Britain has discovered something even stronger… a committee. I could order an execution in an afternoon. These people can’t approve a park bench before retirement.”
Henry remains confused by the applause.
“I spend twenty minutes explaining why Parliament should fear me,” the former monarch said. “People laugh, buy T-shirts, and ask for selfies. I begin to suspect England has become emotionally unavailable.”
The tour opens with White introducing Henry as “the only man in history whose dating profile comes with a body count.”
Henry then walks onstage to thunderous applause before surveying the audience.
“Good evening,” he says solemnly. “I trust all your wives remain alive.”
The audience erupts.
Henry sighs.
“There you go again.”
White says touring with Henry has changed his own perspective.
“I’ve had some rough marriages,” White admitted. “But next to this guy, I’m a relationship counselor.”
Backstage, White reportedly asked Henry whether he regretted marrying six times.
Henry answered, “Regret? No. Paperwork? Immensely.”
White paused.
“I’ve dated women exactly like that.”
The show features several recurring segments.
One is called “Marriage Counseling With Henry VIII,” during which audience members ask for relationship advice before security quietly confiscates anything remotely resembling an axe.
Another is “Guess Which Wife Is Still Speaking to Him,” a game that consistently lasts less than three seconds.
Perhaps the biggest crowd favorite is “Modern Problems, Tudor Solutions.”
“My neighbor keeps parking in my driveway.”
“Off with it.”
“My internet is slow.”
“Off with it.”
“My homeowners association sent another letter.”
Henry reportedly stares into the middle distance before whispering, “Finally… a cause worthy of a king.”
White has learned to intervene before local police misunderstand.
The merchandising has also proven remarkably successful.
Fans may purchase OFF WITH IT! foam executioner’s axes, souvenir divorce certificates, commemorative royal goblets, and coffee mugs reading:
“I SURVIVED HENRY’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.”
VIP ticket holders receive early admission and a professionally worded letter confirming they have not been declared traitors.
Critics have praised the chemistry between the two men.
White represents modern American cynicism.
Henry represents sixteenth-century certainty.
Together they create what reviewers describe as “the only buddy comedy spanning five hundred years and three different legal systems.”
Historians attending preview performances have become increasingly uncomfortable.
“We came expecting historical inaccuracies,” said Professor Lionel Graves of Oxford.
“Instead, Henry spends intermission correcting us.”
The king has reportedly demanded several museums update their plaques.
“They continue calling me controversial,” Henry complained.
“I was king. That is rather the opposite of controversial.”
White merely shrugged.
“I’ve opened for worse egos.”
The biggest adjustment has been transportation.
Henry refuses commercial airlines after discovering passengers voluntarily remove their shoes before boarding.
“You surrender your footwear before entering a flying tube?”
White nodded.
“Buddy, that’s not even the weird part.”
By the second week of rehearsals Henry had become fascinated by modern celebrity culture.
“In my reign,” he observed, “people earned public attention by conquering France.”
“What do they do now?”
White handed him Instagram.
Henry reportedly spent forty-five silent minutes scrolling before muttering,
“I owe Anne Boleyn an apology.”
Industry analysts predict OFF WITH IT! will become the highest-grossing comedy tour in decades, largely because audiences cannot decide whether they’re attending stand-up, history, therapy, or a constitutional crisis.
Tour organizers deny rumors that the finale involves Henry challenging audience members to trial by combat.
“It isn’t trial by combat,” a spokesman clarified.
“It’s audience participation.”
As for White, he believes the partnership works because both men understand something fundamental about life.
“You can drink too much.”
“You can marry too much.”
“But if you can laugh about it five hundred years later, somebody’s gonna buy a ticket.”
Henry nodded approvingly.
“At last,” he declared.
“A kingdom with proper priorities.”
The audience applauded.
Henry looked genuinely puzzled.
“They’re laughing again,” he whispered to White.
White took another sip of scotch.
“They’re not laughing at you anymore, Your Majesty.”
“They’re laughing because they’re pretty sure Congress is about three bad weeks from putting you back in charge.”
