by Henry VIII live at Just the Tonic Nottingham: the full set on Robin Hood’s public relations and why modern cancellation is amateur work
Nottingham. We need to talk about your boy. Robin Hood was an outlaw, a thief, and an enemy of the Crown. And he has a statue, a festival, and an AIRPORT. I WAS the Crown. I have a warning plaque and a nursery rhyme about my wives. That is not justice, Nottingham. That is PUBLIC RELATIONS. And tonight I have come to learn at the feet of the master.
I went down your caves this afternoon. Finest content studio in England. A man with a good cave and a better story outlasts a dynasty. The local evidence is CONCLUSIVE.
The First Influencers
You think propaganda is modern. Sweet child. I employed poets, painters, and printers whose entire job was my image. Holbein painted me square-on, feet planted, shoulders like a cathedral door, and that pose hung in every great house in England. Same portrait. Reposted. I did not have followers. I had SUBJECTS. Which is followers, with taxes, and none of them could unsubscribe.
The royal seal was the original verified checkmark. If a document carried my seal, it was authentic, it was official, and it could ruin your life. Which is exactly how your checkmarks work, except mine could not be bought for eight pounds a month. … Well. It could. But the eight pounds was in gold, and the month was your last.
The 1537 portrait. Let us be honest about what that was. Most successful thirst trap of the sixteenth century. Ambassadors filed REPORTS on it. Rival kings demanded copies. Francis of France saw it and immediately commissioned a BIGGER one of himself. That, Nottingham, is the quote tweet. Invented four hundred years early. By a Frenchman. In OILS.
On Being Cancelled
Every week I read that some public figure has been cancelled. And the following week I see the same figure. On a podcast. With a wellness brand. And a TOUR. That is not cancelled. That is RESCHEDULED. When I cancelled a man, the tour did not continue. The merchandise was confiscated. There was no comeback special.
Case study: Cardinal Wolsey. Biggest account in England after mine. Palaces. Patronage. Reach across all Europe. Then the engagement dropped, the annulment did not materialise, and he was, in your language, deplatformed. His palace became MY palace. I believe you call that acquiring the platform. Hampton Court was a hostile takeover with topiary.
But your age is crueller in one way, and I say this with respect. My victims were remembered by chroniclers with an agenda. Yours are remembered by SCREENSHOTS. Forever. In context and out of it. And there is no Act of Parliament that can attaint a screenshot. I burned letters, Nottingham. You cannot burn the cloud. I HAVE ASKED.
And your posting discipline is a disgrace. When I had a thought, it was nailed to church doors in every market town in England. But first it was drafted, redrafted, argued over by counsel, and read aloud TWICE, because it could not be deleted. You publish your first thought in the time it takes to have it, and then you are ASTONISHED when it is held against you. We had an edit function. It was called THINKING. And it ran before publication. Not after.
Do you know what going viral is? It is 1533. The entire continent shared my personal business, added commentary, and drew PICTURES. The Vatican quote-posted me. Luther was in my REPLIES. Every court in Europe was screenshotting the annulment. And I survived it the only way anyone survives it: I kept posting. Six wives. Two churches. One navy. Say what you like about the account. The engagement never dropped.
The Robin Hood Masterclass
So study the brand, as I have. Steals from the rich, gives to the poor. UNVERIFIABLE. No receipts survive. Not one peasant ever produced the money! But the story was simple, the outfit was consistent, and the content was free. And so a thief in a forest polls better than any king who ever paid for a navy. The lesson of Nottingham: history does not remember the budget. History remembers the BIT.
And before anyone asks: yes, I have joined the platforms. I lasted nine days. I posted one opinion about bridges, MILD by my standards, no executions proposed, and within an hour four thousand strangers had explained my own reign to me, and a teenager in Ohio called me, and I am quoting, a Wolsey apologist. ME. I gave that boy no reply, Nottingham, because I have learned. But know that in another century, Ohio would have received a NAVY.
A Word From Our Sponsor
The tour is sponsored by The London Prat, a newspaper with the reach of a royal proclamation and the shame of none. Follow the account that cannot be cancelled, because it was never respectable to begin with. And Bohiney Magazine has already run tomorrow’s headline, and for once I did not have to threaten anyone. Progress.
Accordingly, I announce my rebrand. Green doublet. Feathered cap. Redistribution of monastic wealth, RETOLD as charity. Taking from the Church, giving to the poor, if we define the poor broadly enough to include me. My accountants assure me we can. Goodnight, Nottingham! Tell the Sheriff I was never here!
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com
