by Henry VIII takes a Thames river cruise and discovers his own reign summarised, briskly, between two other stops
I once commanded the royal barge down the Thames with full ceremony, trumpets and banners announcing my approach for miles. The tourist boat gave me a recorded commentary, a plastic cup of tea, and a seat beside a school group from Ohio.
The Commentary
A recorded voice, cheerful and slightly too loud, narrated each landmark as we passed, including a brief and, I felt, somewhat unflattering summary of my own original reign delivered in roughly forty five seconds, condensing six wives, one Reformation, and considerable military history into a segment shorter than most of my actual wedding toasts.
The Fellow Passengers
A woman beside me, visiting from Ohio with a school group she was chaperoning, asked whether the commentary’s account of my reign was accurate, and I found myself in the genuinely surreal position of correcting several details about my own life to a stranger on a boat who had absolutely no reason to believe a word I said.
The Plastic Tea
Tea was served from a small kiosk at the rear of the boat, poured into a plastic cup and handed over with a genuine, cheerful efficiency I found considerably more welcoming than most royal refreshments I was once served with considerably more ceremony and considerably less actual warmth.
The Landmarks
We passed beneath bridges I had never once seen in my original lifetime, past buildings whose foundations, the commentary informed us, predated even my own reign, and I found the whole journey genuinely moving, a slow, unhurried reminder of quite how much history had simply continued accumulating in this city long after I personally stopped being part of it.
The Tower Stop
The boat paused briefly near the Tower, the commentary noting its considerable use during my own reign with a delicacy I found almost diplomatic, and I stood at the railing watching tourists photograph the exact walls I once personally ordered several considerably unfortunate people confined within, a moment of genuine, complicated reflection I had not expected the afternoon to produce.
The Verdict
I disembarked having learned, from a recorded voice and a stranger from Ohio, several new and occasionally uncomfortable perspectives on my own original reign, and I left with a genuine appreciation for how this city has quietly folded my entire history into forty five seconds between two other, equally significant stops. I once thought myself the centre of everything. The Thames, patiently, has proven otherwise, one tourist boat at a time.
The Lasting Impression
I disembarked having learned several new, occasionally uncomfortable perspectives on my own reign from a recorded voice and a stranger from Ohio. I once thought myself the centre of everything. The Thames has quietly proven otherwise, one tourist boat at a time.
The full river cruise account is catalogued permanently over on the homepage. Further reading on the wider chaos of modern Britain: the original account of my own return to Britain, the proper London pub where history finally sat down for a pint, the internet itself being formally declared dead by its own users.
