by A Former King Weighs In On Sussex Return Rumours With The Perspective Only Six Marriages Can Provide
Well met once more, good people. Henry, eighth of my name, back upon this stage which I am told requireth no armour, no horse, and mercifully no jousting, though I confess I do miss the jousting somewhat, if not the frequent concussions.
I have been catching up upon the affairs of my former household, and friends, I must say, the family business hath not calmed down one single degree in five hundred years. I read that the Royal Family did gather at church near Balmoral following fresh news of a possible Sussex return, as reported in The London Prat’s account of the Balmoral gathering, and truly, I did feel a great kinship across the centuries. Some things, it seems, never change. A member of the family goes off to live their own life, and the rest of the family must immediately attend church together to discuss it without discussing it.
On family drama, I too have some small experience
I am told a Duke and Duchess do consider returning to Britain, and questions remain over their security and their children’s schooling. Friends, when I had a family member I was displeased with, I did not require a security review. I required an axe and a moderately convenient Tuesday morning. Compared to mine own methods of family management, a debate over school catchment areas doth seem, if I may say, rather civilised.
I do commend this modern family for its restraint. Truly. Five centuries ago, a rift such as this would have ended with someone’s head upon a spike above London Bridge, and now it ends with a carefully worded statement from a palace press office. Progress, my friends. Genuine progress.
On the matter of privacy
I am told the family’s private conversations occur now upon something called a group chat, and that considerable effort is spent ensuring said chat remains private following any reunion. In mine own day, my private conversations were recorded by scribes, translated into Latin, and occasionally read aloud to the entire court for maximum humiliation. I did not have the luxury of a chat I could simply mute. I envy thee this technology greatly.
And yet, some traditions do persist. The family still gathereth for appearances at church, still poseth for the cameras, still manageth to look entirely unified for exactly the duration of the photograph before returning to whatever quiet tension brought them there in the first place. I did the same at every state banquet I ever hosted. Smile for the portrait, seethe internally, repeat as necessary.
A final word on royal reconciliation
They say the Sussexes may return for the children’s sake, for schooling, for family. I say this: family is complicated, friends. I married six women and executed considerably fewer of them than popular history suggests, and even I understood that some rifts heal slowly, over years, over quiet conversations, over the occasional reluctant church service attended purely for appearances. If a King who once split an entire country from Rome over a marriage dispute can eventually find his way to a bit of family diplomacy, I daresay a modern family with considerably fewer executions on the ledger shall manage just fine.
On the matter of the palace itself
I am told the family debateth endlessly over which residence shall host which relative, Balmoral for the summer, Windsor for the formal occasions, some smaller cottage for anyone currently in mild disgrace. Friends, I once owned some sixty palaces at the height of my reign. Sixty. I did not remember the names of half of them, and I certainly did not host a single family meeting to decide who should attend church at which one. I simply arrived wherever I pleased, and the household staff rearranged reality accordingly. This modern family negotiateth its real estate with the diplomatic precision of a small European trade summit, and I confess I find it rather exhausting simply to watch.
Good evening, England. Mind thy family. Mind thy group chats even more.
