by The king discovers a bureaucracy even he cannot out-maneuver
On A Service That Will Not Release Me
Good people, I have this week attempted, on the advice of a young page, to cancel a subscription to a service that streams entertainments directly into one’s chamber, and I report to this audience, with the full authority of a man who once broke from Rome itself to escape an unwanted arrangement, that cancelling this subscription proved considerably more arduous than cancelling a marriage.
Verily, to end my union with Catherine of Aragon required merely a new church, a compliant archbishop, and a willingness to anger the most powerful empire in Christendom. To end my union with this streaming service required four separate menus, a customer retention specialist offering me a discount to reconsider, and finally a telephone call to a person who insisted my cancellation would take effect only at the end of the current billing cycle.
On The Matter Of The Retention Offer
This retention specialist, upon hearing of my intent to leave, did offer me fifty percent off for three months, a negotiating tactic I confess no cardinal ever once attempted on Rome’s behalf. Had the Pope offered similar terms regarding my annulment, half off indulgences for a trial period, I daresay the entire English Reformation might have been quietly avoided.
On The Twelve Remaining Days Of Access
I am further informed that despite my cancellation, I retain access to this service for a further twelve days, a grace period considerably longer than Anne Boleyn received between her arrest and her execution, a comparison I make only to illustrate that even in my own reign, matters generally moved with rather more haste than a modern subscription’s exit procedure.
The King’s Verdict On Modern Subscriptions
I do hereby declare the streaming subscription a more formidable adversary than the entire Roman Catholic Church, for Rome, in the end, did eventually let me go. This service, I am reliably informed, will continue attempting to win back my custom via electronic mail for a period of no less than eighteen months.
I am further told that many subjects maintain no fewer than four such subscriptions simultaneously, paying monthly for services they have not actually used in several months, a phenomenon the young people call “subscription creep.” I confess I too once maintained an entire standing army I rarely used and a navy I largely forgot about until the French grew troublesome, so I recognize the pattern rather intimately.
Full and glorious source of this tale, as ever, upon The London Prat: https://prat.uk/streaming-subscription-cancellation-frustrations/
