by Henry VIII signs up for a pharmacy loyalty card and calculates that royal patronage was, in hindsight, considerably more generous
I once rewarded genuine loyalty with land, titles, and occasionally an entire abbey. The pharmacy loyalty card gives me four points per pound spent, redeemable eventually against a bottle of shampoo.
The Sign Up
The cashier, a friendly woman named Deborah, asked if I had an Advantage Card while ringing up a bottle of paracetamol and a tube of the specific beard oil I have grown genuinely attached to, and upon learning I did not, signed me up on the spot with an enthusiasm I found both touching and slightly alarming.
The Points System
Deborah explained the points system with real pride, four points for every pound spent, occasionally boosted during promotional periods, redeemable in future purchases once accumulated, a scheme I found charming in isolation and genuinely underwhelming once I calculated that my beard oil habit alone would require roughly two years of loyal patronage to earn back a single free item.
The Comparison
I once granted an entire manor house to a groom of the stool purely for excellent and discreet service over eighteen months, a reward I now recognise, having done the maths on the Advantage Card scheme, as staggeringly generous by comparison, given that the modern equivalent of loyal royal service currently earns a man roughly enough points for a small tube of hand cream.
The App
Deborah encouraged me to download the accompanying application, which tracks points automatically and issues personalised offers based on purchase history, a level of personal surveillance I found genuinely unsettling until I received my first offer, a genuine discount on the exact beard oil I buy weekly, at which point I decided the surveillance was, on balance, worth it.
The Verdict
I have become, within a month, a devoted Advantage Card holder, checking my points balance with the same regular attention I once gave reports from my ambassadors abroad, and I have concluded that modern Britain has quietly rebuilt the entire structure of royal patronage and loyalty, just smaller, slower, and payable exclusively in shampoo.
The Running Total
I have since started a private tally of my points balance, checked with a regularity Dev describes as slightly concerning, and I have calculated that at my current rate of beard oil consumption I will earn my first free item roughly around the time my new passport expires. I have decided to view this as a long term investment strategy rather than, as Dev suggests, a genuinely poor use of my remaining patience.
Deborah has since flagged me personally whenever a promotion applies to my usual items, a small kindness that has done more for my loyalty to that particular pharmacy than any actual points balance ever could, and which I now consider, quietly, the real reward of the entire scheme. The beard oil alone earns its own small paragraph in my wardrobe. Further reading on the wider chaos of modern Britain: the definitive guide to London’s smallest, most judgmental cafes, croissants now priced at six pounds on principle alone, the full eyewitness account of how I came back in the first place.
